Guilty for no real reason....

Gah, still obsessing over the feeling of guilt about my job and where I'm suppose to be in my life.

Maybe I'm where I'm suppose to be right now and that's why I cannot figure it out.

This feeling of guilt I'm carrying around is doing me no good, so continue to carry it? What is it doing for me?

Nothing, so why continue to carry it? I'm content with where I am in my life, with who I'm with, with how much money I make and with where my son is. So, then....let it go!

Is this suppose to help me pin point my reason for carrying this guilt? Is there something I haven't let go in my past?

I am going to look into volunteering my time with a group that is interested in me. I feel as though, if I'm meant to be there, I will be there. I cannot close a door tho, it's open and it's open just for me. If I can help just one person by volunteering my time, then I'm happy.

Maybe the volunteering will encourage me to get back into school.

I love driving cab, so for now, this is what I'm going to continue to do to make money. I will not feel guilty about it, because it's a good paying job that is legal and safe. I'm not doing nothing wrong, so there's no reason to feel guilty, so I need to let it go.

Another good day on my path of self discovery though....I'm happy, I'm healthy and I'm safe!

Guilty for no real reason....

Gah, still obsessing over the feeling of guilt about my job and where I'm suppose to be in my life.

Maybe I'm where I'm suppose to be right now and that's why I cannot figure it out.

This feeling of guilt I'm carrying around is doing me no good, so continue to carry it? What is it doing for me?

Nothing, so why continue to carry it? I'm content with where I am in my life, with who I'm with, with how much money I make and with where my son is. So, then....let it go!

Is this suppose to help me pin point my reason for carrying this guilt? Is there something I haven't let go in my past?

I am going to look into volunteering my time with a group that is interested in me. I feel as though, if I'm meant to be there, I will be there. I cannot close a door tho, it's open and it's open just for me. If I can help just one person by volunteering my time, then I'm happy.

Maybe the volunteering will encourage me to get back into school.

I love driving cab, so for now, this is what I'm going to continue to do to make money. I will not feel guilty about it, because it's a good paying job that is legal and safe. I'm not doing nothing wrong, so there's no reason to feel guilty, so I need to let it go.

Another good day on my path of self discovery though....I'm happy, I'm healthy and I'm safe!

Guilty for no real reason....

Gah, still obsessing over the feeling of guilt about my job and where I'm suppose to be in my life.

Maybe I'm where I'm suppose to be right now and that's why I cannot figure it out.

This feeling of guilt I'm carrying around is doing me no good, so continue to carry it? What is it doing for me?

Nothing, so why continue to carry it? I'm content with where I am in my life, with who I'm with, with how much money I make and with where my son is. So, then....let it go!

Is this suppose to help me pin point my reason for carrying this guilt? Is there something I haven't let go in my past?

I am going to look into volunteering my time with a group that is interested in me. I feel as though, if I'm meant to be there, I will be there. I cannot close a door tho, it's open and it's open just for me. If I can help just one person by volunteering my time, then I'm happy.

Maybe the volunteering will encourage me to get back into school.

I love driving cab, so for now, this is what I'm going to continue to do to make money. I will not feel guilty about it, because it's a good paying job that is legal and safe. I'm not doing nothing wrong, so there's no reason to feel guilty, so I need to let it go.

Another good day on my path of self discovery though....I'm happy, I'm healthy and I'm safe!

Guilty for no real reason....

Gah, still obsessing over the feeling of guilt about my job and where I'm suppose to be in my life.
Maybe I'm where I'm suppose to be right now and that's why I cannot figure it out.
This feeling of guilt I'm carrying around is doing me no good, so continue to carry it?  What is it doing for me?
Nothing, so why continue to carry it?  I'm content with where I am in my life, with who I'm with, with how much money I make and with where my son is.  So, then....let it go! 
Is this suppose to help me pin point my reason for carrying this guilt? Is there something I haven't let go in my past?

I am going to look into volunteering my time with a group that is interested in me.  I feel as though, if I'm meant to be there, I will be there.  I cannot close a door tho, it's open and it's open just for me.  If I can help just one person by volunteering my time, then I'm happy.
Maybe the volunteering will encourage me to get back into school. 

I love driving cab, so for now, this is what I'm going to continue to do to make money.  I will not feel guilty about it, because it's a good paying job that is legal and safe.  I'm not doing nothing wrong, so there's no reason to feel guilty, so I need to let it go. 

Another good day on my path of self discovery though....I'm happy, I'm healthy and I'm safe!

Education? Experience?

I'm really bad for not taking an opportunity and seizing it when I can.  I'd rather sit back and watch the next guy go further, succeed and do better than myself. 
I have no idea why I feel this way either.  And when I say feel, I'm not even to sure if I feel anything but guilt.  I'm ok with where I'm at in my life.
I often feel like I should be out there helping people in some way, like my purpose here is greater than what I'm doing; and that feeling comes and goes, but mostly comes these days. 
 
For the last couple years I've been a taxi driver in a small city and I love doing this.  I get to meet all sorts of people but mostly I get to see raw human emotion and that in it's self can be very interesting.   
I've seen a jealous girlfriend freakin' on her boyfriend for lookin' at some girl;  I've helped a drunk lady crying, trying to find her way home;  transported a child scared because Mom wasn't home to let her in after school.  
My job allows me to see people sometimes in their most vulnerable state.
Do I dare give them advice, suggest or even try and tell anyone to do anything?  I dare not!  I'm just a taxi driver. 

I was once told that just sharing my personal experience was advice and that little extra push to do better.
I wasn't sure if I was suppose to feel happy or violated.  I wasn't giving advice, but somebody took it. 
After thinking about it way to long, I concluded I should just be happy for that person.  I took many things in my life, including the idea on sharing experience, strength & hope. 


Now with starting this note today, I thought about the purpose, my purpose.  Do I take an opportunity to get back into school and become a helper of the community, or do I stay at the current job I love, driving taxi cab?
 
I know no one can answer this but me, but today, I'm not even sure if I can answer it. 

Ya, ya, ya, I've done that too...dropped to my knees and asked what my purpose is and why am I feeling guilty for enjoying the job I'm at.  I still have yet to get a response.  Is this one of those things that will come to me in time?

Bah, anyways, this has been the heaviest of my thoughts these last weeks.  I'm feeling guilty for liking my job and not doing something more.....see I can't even put a word to it.  (I'll argue this in my head now for a couple more hours LOL)  Well, as long as I'm writing it down and sharing it....I know eventually, YES, eventually it will come to me and then and only then will I know what my purpose is.

My personal growth

To journal is a great way to get shit out that you're holding in, not only that, it's a great way for you to go back and look at yourself; maybe you'll see something within yourself you could possibly change for the better.
But who wants to look at their selves eh?
I know I don't, but I do.  I do it because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to grow as a person.
This journey I started almost four years ago, recovery, has been the most challenging.  I've seen within myself some not so pretty things, including a shitty attitude.  It wasn't until I changed my attitude, I was able to look at myself and try to change the changeable.  Change though, ugh, not freakin' easy.  I'm one of those people who was scared of change, now though, I embrace it.  I do not fear change, change is good when it's healthy.

My attitude held me back a great deal in my life.  I felt because I had the shit end of the stick all my life, I deserved more than I had gotten.  Today, I know this is not true.  I will only get what I give.  If I give nothing in my recovery, I will get nothing.

Honesty has a great deal with me changing my attitude today.  I've had to learn to be honest with myself.  I know when I first started this journey, I thought I was always honest with myself, but no.  I was never honest with myself.  I think I've even created lies in the past that I even believed.  Now that's good! 
Today, when I wake up, I know attitude is a choice.  So, everyday I try to wake up and be in a good mood.  I mean, there's no reason to be in a bad mood, I had a great sleep. 
I try to be accountable and in control of my emotions, not blaming anyone for how I feel.   It's hard, but unlearning learned behavior is not impossible.

I'm teachable, and that is the one thing I found in my recovery I'm so grateful for.  Because without that open-mindedness, I don't think I'd look at recovery the way it's meant to be looked at. 

How do you change?  That's exactly it, H.O.W. Honesty, Open-mindedness, & Willingness.
 You have to be honest, not only with yourself, but the people around you.  You have to be open-minded, teachable, and most important, you have to have the willingness to want to be honest and open-minded.

If I wasn't any of these things, I know for a fact, I'd still be where I was four years ago.